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Brutally honest, often hilarious, hard-won lessons in learning to love and care for yourself from a young vice president at… Comedy Central who was called &“ahead of her time&” by Jordan Peele &“Compelling, persuasive, and useful no matter where you are in your life.&”—Chelsea Handler, #1 New York Times bestselling author of Life Will Be the Death of Me &“A bracingly honest, funny read . . . like Wild meets You Are a Badass.&”—Adam Grant, #1 New York Times bestselling author of Give and Take, Originals, and Option BBy the time she was in her late twenties, Tara Schuster was a rising TV executive who had worked for The Daily Show with Jon Stewart and helped launch Key & Peele to viral superstardom. By all appearances, she had mastered being a grown-up. But beneath that veneer of success, she was a chronically anxious, self-medicating mess. No one knew that her road to adulthood had been paved with depression, anxiety, and shame, owing in large part to her minimally parented upbringing. She realized she&’d hit rock bottom when she drunk-dialed her therapist pleading for help. Buy Yourself the F*cking Lilies is the story of Tara&’s path to re-parenting herself and becoming a &“ninja of self-love.&” Through simple, daily rituals, Tara transformed her mind, body, and relationships, and shows how to • fake gratitude until you actually feel gratitude • excavate your emotional wounds and heal them with kindness • identify your self-limiting beliefs, kick them to the curb, and start living a life you choose • silence your inner frenemy and shield yourself from self-criticism • carve out time each morning to start your day empowered, inspired, and ready to rule • create a life you truly, totally f*cking LOVE This is the book Tara wished someone had given her and it is the book many of us desperately need: a candid, hysterical, addictively readable, practical guide to growing up (no matter where you are in life) and learning to love yourself in a non-throw-up-in-your-mouth-it&’s-so-cheesy way.
When I was pregnant, I imagined our new family life as a romantic film montage… the three of us rolling… around on the rug together, laughing, or my husband and me pushing a buggy around the park with my perfect hair flowing in the wind. Spoiler alert: it is not like this. For a start, we never lie on the rug together because it’s covered in crumbs from the slice of toast I have been trying to eat since breakfast…Jenny has too much on her plate: literally – she’s only expecting one child but she’s eating for at least three. Not to mention trying to juggle her nightmare boss, a know-it-all sister, and an infuriatingly laid-back husband. She used to be known for her ‘Single Girl About Town’ column. But when her boss gives her job to a younger colleague, Jenny panics and proposes she blogs instead about being a clueless new mum. Surely people will find her new friendship group fascinating? (Even if the only thing they seem to have in common is that they all had sex around the same time 9 months ago...)And if her readers aren’t quite hooked yet, maybe Jenny will just have to be more liberal with the truth. After all, none of the other mums will read it… will they? The Undercover Mother is a hilarious parenting page-turner that will make you laugh, cry and want to crack open the gin. Perfect for fans of Why Mummy Drinks and The Bad Mother’s Diary. What readers are saying about The Undercover Mother'The book is hilarious and fun.' Life After Twenty Seven, 5 stars'Oh my Days. I loved this book... The Undercover Mother is certainly in parts a laugh out loud read, it's also a comfort read, sometimes happy, funny and sometimes a little sad, the book has lots of emotion running through it...Antenatal classes should stop giving... brochures out at classes, and give this book out. Told as it is. I could relate to so much of this from when I was a new mum...Winging it, thinking everyone else has their sh*t together, and there is only you in the world that isn't managing everything... First Class read, I recommend this book to anyone who wants a fun, yet real read. Friendships, secrets, lies, revelations, laughter, tears, relationships. This book covers it all. I Love Reading, 5 stars'Loved this book as there was so much I could relate to.' The Introverted Mum'The book was filled with many true-to life situations that every first-time mom goes through' Penny Jaegar, Author
'If you're after an in-depth medical or psychological insight into the menopause, I'm afraid you've opened the wrong book -… I'm not a doctor . . . However, I am a woman and I do know how it feels to be menopausal, so this book is written from experience and the heart and I hope it makes you laugh and feel better.' JEOlder and Wider is Jenny Eclair's hilarious, irreverent and refreshingly honest compendium of the menopause. From C for Carb-loading and G for Getting Your Shit Together to I for Invisibility and V for Vaginas, Jenny's whistle-stop tour of the menopause in all its glory will make you realise that it really isn't just you. Jenny will share the surprising lessons she has learnt along the way as well as her hard-won tips on the joy of cardigans, dealing with the empty nest (get a lodger) and keeping the lid on the pressure cooker of your temper (count to twenty, ten is never enough).As Jenny says, 'I can't say that I've emerged like a beautiful butterfly from some hideous old menopausal chrysalis and it would be a lie to say that I've found the 'old me' again. But what I have found is the 'new me' - and you know what? I'm completely cool with that.'
Unleash your inner Soprano and relive all your favorite moments with this companion guide to the award-winning television series The… Sopranos.We all know and love The Sopranos, one of the most important television dramas to ever hit the small screen, having run for six seasons on HBO. The story of the Italian-American mobster Tony Soprano balancing his family life with his role as the leader of a criminal organization pioneered decades of genre-bending &“peak TV.&” Now, Off the Back of a Truck takes you one step further into the world of Tony Soprano and his families, offering an Italian potluck of fresh and fun takes that any true fan can get lost in for hours. Off the Back of a Truck includes: -New looks at everyone&’s favorite episodes, scenes, and characters -All 92 deaths analyzed, evaluated, and ranked -An investigation of true crimes behind the families&’ schemes -An exploration of movies and shows that inspired The Sopranos -Reflections on the use of music, food, and fashion from writers who are also huge fans -A provocative conversation about what happens in the controversial ending This book takes you on a journey through the six seasons you have watched time and time again—but it's organized so you can dip in at any time, at any place. Roam around as though you&’re in Tony&’s backyard for a BBQ...
In the spirit of his Love Poems collections, as well as his wildly popular New Yorker pieces, New York Times… bestseller and Thurber Prize-winner John Kenney returns with a hilarious new collection of poetry--for office life.With the same brilliant wit and biting realism that made Love Poems for Married People, Love Poems for People with Children, and Love Poems for Anxious People such hits, John Kenney is back with a brand new collection that tackles the hilarity of life in the office. From waiting in line for the printer and revising spreadsheet after spreadsheet, to lukewarm coffee, office politics, and the daily patterns of your most annoying--and lovable--coworkers, Kenney masterfully captures the warmth and humor of working the "9 to 5" in today's modern era.
Susan Reinhardt takes the naked, honest truth and sets it on fire in a blaze of laughter. Boldly, brazenly, and… hilariously, she says what only the brave dare to think. --Laurie Notaro Like an edgier, naughtier, southern-bred Erma Bombeck, award-winning columnist Susan Reinhardt has made diehard fans of fellow writers and newspaper readers across the country with her wickedly skewed reports from the trenches of American family life. In this collection of never-before-published essays and stories, she takes her uncensored trademark wit just a little further than ever before--with hilarious and poignant results. From telling off a too-perfect sorority sister twenty years later to going public with her "grumpy vagina"; from facing down those who would judge her in a mall ladies' room to eulogizing her beloved smokin' granny, Reinhardt cuts straight to the heart of the sublime, the ridiculous--and the saggy--realities of being a working wife, mother, and certified slave to a culture that worships women who sport thighs the size of her upper arms. "Susan Reinhardt takes the naked, honest truth and sets it on fire in a blaze of laughter. Boldly, brazenly, and hilariously, she says what only the brave dare to think." --Laurie Notaro "Surgical patients should forgo reading this book until all sutures are completely healed. Susan Reinhardt is a riot!"--Jill Conner Browne "Funny, wise, and warm. . .from sidesplitting to achingly tender." --Celia Riverbank "Hilarious, captivating. . .no one is more accomplished at the fine Southern art of storytelling than Susan Reinhardt."--Ronda Rich Susan Reinhardt is a syndicated columnist and feature writer whose work has appeared all over the world in major newspapers such as the Washington Post, London Daily Mirror, Newsday, and other Tribune Media and Gannett publications. Reinhardt has won dozens of awards for her writing, including several Best of Gannett honors and a Pulitzer nomination. A long-time volunteer fundraiser for Hospice, the United Way, the American Lymphoma and Leukemia society, the PTO and other worthwhile and not so worthwhile causes, Reinhardt is also a proud member of the Not Quite Write Book Club, a group of ten women who drink wine and pretend to act literary. A true Daughter of the South, Susan Reinhardt was born in South Carolina, was raised in Georgia and currently makes her home in Asheville, North Carolina, the jewel city of the Blue Ridge Mountains. She has two adorable children and still calls her mama every night.
Finally, a book about the Internet that takes place outside the Internet!Your Next-Door Neighbor is a Dragon leaves the bleeps… and bloops behind for a series of surreal interviews and adventures with the people behind the computer screen. Something Awful's Zack Parsons risks life and sanity by meeting with people who believe they are real dragons and elves, attending a furry convention in costume, paying a visit to a white power group in Texas, talking shop with people who want to be swallowed whole, and witnessing the launching of the Ron Paul Blimp. More than a year in the making, this epic adventure is full to bursting with the jokes about wieners and poopy that made Something Awful a true Internet sensation. Have you added the book to your cart yet or do you just hate yourself that much?
Soldiers that fly!Tanks that fly! Cruisers that . . . sink!What Fight Have BeenMy Tank Is Fight! contains a humorous… and exciting examination of twenty real inventions from World War II that never saw the light of day. Each entry includes full technical details, a complete development history, in-depth analysis, and a riveting fictionalized account of the invention's success or failure on the battlefield. Lavish color artwork and technical illustrations are falling from the pages of this book like toenails from a trench foot. Dive under the Atlantic in the turreted U-Cruiser, or rule its surface from an aircraft carrier made out of ice. Shred bomber formations in a high-performance flying wing fighter and then rocket to your untimely end from the cockpit of your very own suicide missile. We've got a pair of German armored land vehicles for you that are so large they had to be powered by naval engines! My Tank Is Fight! delivers the thrilling action of the Second World War as it might have been with a touch of humor and a lack of class. Only the slow-witted are reading this anywhere other than in line at the cash register. Ask an adult to help you if you're still not sure you want to buy the book.
Unleash Your Dark SideLet your ass-kicking side kill your ass-kissing side. Now is the time to be bad. Being good… is for the afterlife. Learn the secrets that felons, cops and epic badasses have known for years. * Rob a Bank * Produce Porn * Fake Your Death * Pick a Lock * Rob a Vending Machine * Beat the Dice * Acquire a Harem * And much, much worseEmbrace your Bad. Don't get caught.Christopher Lee Barish has experienced all degrees of being bad firsthand. During his mobile youth, he was indoctrinated in the art of career gambling and illegal crop growing, and he began to research other criminal activities out of personal and creative interest. The Book of Bad is the result of that research. Today he is a copy and concept director at an advertising agency in New York where he has won Webby awards for his copywriting and concepts. He lives in Nyack, New York.
Here's what they're saying about Mr. K's Book of Really Nasty Jokes: "I couldn't put it down!" --Benny the Shoplifter,… Ferd, New Jersey "Vile. . .utterly disgusting. . .shockingly repulsive. . .and that was just the copyright page!" --Miss Henrietta Starch, Librarian, Prairie Oyster, Texas "This book made me laugh so hard I dropped my dentures into my soup!" --Hiram Crimp, author of Never Trust a Fart: Surviving Old Age with Dignity Mr. K is a pseudonym. He has worked as a pimp in a leper colony in Guatemala, a crash test dummy in Detroit, and a deep sea fisherman in Iowa. From 1989 through 1992 he was in the Federal Witness Protection Program until he was booted out for marrying a horse. He is the author of The Looter's Guide to American Cities and Dial M for Martyr: Suicide Bombing for Beginners. He lives in Oatmeal, Nebraska, with his wife, the former Miss Tequila Mockingbird.
"Food," says Ruby Ann Boxcar, "is one thing all trailer park people have in common, followed by their undyin' love… of Elvis and the reproduction of ugly children." The recipes of trailer dwellers are unlike any others. Its been known to make men turn championship wrestling off, large women in double knit polyester slacks dance, and derelict children smile. That's why Ruby Ann has taken the time to write down her favorite recipes in an easy to read cookbook (The Down Home Trailer Park Cookbook; A Twister Of Tasty Treats).This cookbook gives the reader a titillating guide to handed down recipes and an insider's look at Ruby Ann's fellow residents at the 20 lot "High Chaparral Trailer Park" in Pangburn, Arkansas. Along with good food and gossip, the reader will come face to face with sex, murder, topless dancing, Baptist ministers, adultery, and political secrets. The fact that Ruby Ann Boxcar has lived her entire life in a trailer, and her updo hairstyle, cat eyed glasses, and blue eye shadow insures the reader she knows what she's talking about when it comes to trailer park living. Her 300-pound figure speaks for itself on the question of her cooking credentials.
Warning: The Following People May Be Offended By The Jokes Included In This Book:Women, Men, Christians, Jews, Muslims, Blacks, Bikers,… White Trash, Puerto Ricans, Homosexuals, Polacks, Children, the Elderly, and the Physically, Mentally, or Emotionally Handicapped.For thirty years, Hustler magazine has only had one rule: there are no rules! Now, legendary publisher, troublemaker, and champion of free speech Larry Flynt presents his favorite jokes of all time, certain to offend just about everyone.
Contrary to popular legend, every dog does not have his day. Some dogs--i. e. , musicians, actors, foodstuffs, sitcoms, beverages,… albums, and movies--are perennially overlooked. This book will change all that. Using a highly scientific, unabashedly subjective, yet uncannily accurate formula, the brilliant comedic minds behind Yankee Pot Roast can help you determine with absolute confidence whether something or someone is underrated (George Harrison) or not (Paul McCartney). For example: UnderratedGood TimesBubble YumSnappleNot UnderratedDiff'rent StrokesBig League ChewDr. Pepper The UR (Underrated Rating) takes into account cultural, commercial, and critical appeal, as well as more nebulous but equally crucial factors like coolness and staying power. Admit it--you've suspected for years that NewsRadio is a criminally ignored masterpiece. Now you can prove it. Geoff Wolinetz, Nick Jezarian, and Josh Abraham are the founders and editors of Yankee Pot Roast. Their work has appeared in Maxim and Cracked and on the web at McSweeney's, The Black Table, DrinkatWork and more. They live in New York City.
Mother Goose, Ver farblondjet!* Aesop? You're not fooling anyone. Brothers Grimm? Goniffs.** You didn't create the fairy tale--we did (The… Chosen People) thousands of years ago, to keep the kids quiet when we were running from Pharoah. Here are all your favorite classic fairy tales as they're supposed to be told: Goldie's Lox and the Three Bagels Rumpleforeskin Snow Whitefish and the Seven Dwarfkins The Three Little Chazzers Jake and Mr. Bienstock Pushkin Boots The Ugly Schmuckling And more! * Get lost ** Thieves
Canadians Are Really Mexicans--Just Look at GleeA national media sensation, ChristWire.org takes righteousness beyond the bounds of reason. You can't… argue the truth. If God didn't send tornadoes to warn blacks about rap music, who did? If your husband isn't a closet gay, he must secretly be Chinese. Don't send your son to college unless you want to expose him to the dangers of vajazzling. This is no joke, folks. ChristWire is here to save the world from falling into the hands of sanity. "I'm the anti-ChristWire." --Howard Stern "It's so good--and people on the Internet are so insane that no one gets it." --Village Voice "In the world of ChristWire. . .the recent increase of pet-on-pet rape is a pernicious consequence of same-sex marriage." --New York Magazine"The leading Internet site for ultraconservative Christian news, commentary, and weather reportage." --The New York Times"ChristWire's genius (or evil) lies in its hypberbolic, worst-case scenario, Christian coverage of everything." --Jezebel.comJack Gould Pastor Jack "Jbox" Gould is a local best-selling author, motivational speaker, and youth pastor extraordinaire at Langley CC, where his stories about the laid-back California life and his relations to Jack-in-the-Box bobbleheads are all the rage. Jack is also one of the top-ten most-feared pro-lifers.Tyson Bowers III Youth leader Tyson Bowers III proudly practices abstinence and teaches his youth groups the joys of a sexless life. Tyson travels the country giving lectures to students ranging from middle school to college about the dangers of homosexuality and liberals. Tyson is also a champion snowflake paper cutter.
Funnier than Blazing Saddles! --Charles Dickenstein, author of A Tale of Two Sidneys Did the Jews really tame the American… frontier? You bet your tuchas. Brave, rugged Jews with big dreams and even bigger shmeckles. Shtarkers like Davy Kronsky. The Ringo Kiddish. The mysterious Man with No Yarmulke. Jewish Indian tribes like the Mishagossi and Grossinga who would never scalp on the Sabbath. These are their stories, told for the first time. So pay attention. SHE WORE A YELLOW SHMATTA THE GOOD, THE BAD, AND THE FARBLONDJET THE MAGNIFICENT $7 (NOW MARKED DOWN TO $5.98) TWO MOYELS FOR SISTER SARA. A FISTFUL OF DREIDELS CHAI NOON THE WILD BRUNCH And a lot more, you should only know. The critics won't shut up already about this book! "Funnier than a passle of stuffed dermas!' --Melvin "Six-Gun" Shapiro, foreman, Bar-Mitzvah Ranch"From snow you can't make a cheesecake." --J. D. Salinsky, author of The Kvetcher in the Rye Did somebody say, "Go West, Youngman"? Zane Greyberg, born Leo Kloppman in Brooklyn, New York, has held a variety of jobs, from chicken flicker to pickle-maker, before he turned to writing. His first book, Shangri-Latkes and Other Lost Horizons was published in 1999 and completely befuddled critics. Roderick Pish-Tipple of the Hackensack Jewish Weekly said, "You call this poetry? It doesn't even rhyme. What's with this Greyberg guy--he drinks maybe?" Mr. Zaneberg lives, he says, "wherever the wind blows and the cream cheese is fresh."
My name is Tucker Max, and I am an asshole. I get excessively drunk at inappropriate times, disregard social norms,… indulge every whim, ignore the consequences of my actions, mock idiots and posers, sleep with more women than is safe or reasonable, and just generally act like a raging dickhead. But, I do contribute to humanity in one very important way: I share my adventures with the world.--from the IntroductionActual reader feedback:"I am completely baffled as to how you can congratulate yourself for being a womanizer and a raging drunk, or think anyone cares about an idiot like you. Do you really think that exploiting the insecurities of others while getting wasted is a legitimate thing to offer?""Thank you, thank you, thank you--for sharing with us your wonderful tales of drunken revelry, for teaching me what it means to be a man, for just existing so I know that there is another option; I too can say 'screw the system' and be myself and have fun. My life truly began when I finished reading your stories. Now, when faced with a quandary about what course of action I should take, I just ask myself, 'What Would Tucker Do?'--and I do it, and I am a better man for it.""I find it truly appalling that there are people in the world like you. You are a disgusting, vile, repulsive, repugnant, foul creature. Because of you, I don't believe in God anymore. No just God would allow someone like you to exist.""I'll stay with God as my lord, but you are my savior. I just finished reading your brilliant stories, and I laughed so hard I almost vomited. I want to bring that kind of joy to people. You're an artist of the highest order and a true humanitarian to boot. I'm in both shock and awe at how much I want to be you.""You are the coolest person I can even imagine existing. If you slept with my girlfriend, it'd make me love her more."
Yo, this is Hal the Caveman coming at you. I lived 5 million years ago in what's now known as… Chicken Bend, Arkansas. As a hobby, I drew pictures on the walls of my cave, showing what life was like back in the day. Then some egghead spotted my artwork and found a way to translate it into modern English.Thrill as I describe how dinosaurs used my relatives as throw pillows! Read with awe as I reveal the importance of not ending up as part of a velociraptor turd! Share the joy as I relate how we accidentally invented the missionary position when Tamuk tripped over a tree root and fell on top of his cousin, Twin Moons.See how caveman really felt about: * Family Life: "Kids and food. . .it's important to know the difference." * Clothing: "Sometimes back hair just isn't enough." * Fighting: "Like rugby with spears." And for all you aspiring Fred Flinstones, I'll be offering up some modern-day wisdom, like redoing your apartment, Miocene-era style, and hosting your own caveman-themed barbeques and weekend retreats.
Vampires: The 100% Bona Fide Totally Real And Not Made Up At All TruthIn this day and age, the belief… in vampires has been dwindling at an exponential rate. Those who still believe in them are often wildly misinformed. So what do you think will happen when Johnny McNormalpants finds himself face to face with a bloodthirsty vampire? Probably crap his pants, but then what? An informed citizen would know exactly what to do in this situation. If only there was some way to enlighten the public about this often forgotten subject, preferably in the form of a mock informative guide or something.From Matt Melvin, one of the creators of Explosm.net and the hit online comic Cyanide & Happiness, comes Dracula Is A Racist, the definitive guide to vampires, answering those gravely important questions that keep you up at night. . . * Was Dracula really a racist? * How do vampires do their hair if they don't have any reflection? * Is it gross for immortals to be attracted to high school girls if they're stuck in a 17-year-old body? * Was Sesame Street ever truly safe from The Count? * Is dressing in all black and acting snobby toward everyone enough to fake being a vampire? * Just how much more badass are vampires than zombies?Dracula Is A Racist is the essential vampire handbook that digs up all the dirt and backs it up with hard vampirical evidence. That's totally true. Really.Matt Melvin is a 25-year-old T-shirt aficionado and sideburn enthusiast. Along with three other dudes, he runs Explosm.net, a pretty awesome website full of awesome things. When not adding even more filth to the Internet, he enjoys criticizing and complaining about movies, listening to music and inventing obscure types of niche sexual acts. He currently lives in San Diego. He is very tall.
Muwahahahaha! Dr. Frankenstein. Marie Curie. Dr. Moreau. Captain Nemo. They're the most fascinating minds of all time--and now a science… guru has teamed up with an expert in human psychology to coax them out of their laboratories and onto the analyst's couch. Real and fictional, famous and infamous, crazy and just crazily driven, these brilliant men and women exhibit a list of neuroses almost as impressive as their extraordinary accomplishments. At last, you can explore their early fixations, their ambitions, their successes and failures, and the particular quirks that have granted each induction into the Mad Scientist Hall of Fame, including: Dr. Evil: Megalomaniacal doctor with antisocial personality disorder (and pathological dislike of his own son, Scotty) Nikola Tesla: Real-life mad scientist with obsessive compulsive disorder (and he talked to aliens) Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde: Brilliant doctor gone bad, suffering from multiple personality disorder (and a penchant for strong chemical cocktails) Lex Luthor: Villain and supergenius with manic mood disorder (and premature baldness) Witty, illuminating, and thoroughly entertaining, this one-of-a-kind book offers irrefutable proof that success, super-intelligence, and a mantelpiece full of Nobel prizes is no guarantee of sanity.