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Buster's Secret Diaries
By Roy Hattersley. 2007
Diaries celebrating a dog's joy at owning a human, by the most famous dog in Britain.Buster has written these diaries…
himself - whenever he could remember where he hid the manuscript in his garden. In it he lays bear the truth of how The Man has held Buster back, pretending to protect fur and feathers. Buster's last book was an instant bestseller and, outrageously, The Man took all the credit. To add insult to injury, there were no extra biscuits. Worse, The Man forced Buster to eat low-fat ones, while he himself continued to eat lots of chocolate ginger nuts.Despite The Man's best efforts, Buster still gets into lots of scrapes, and, although his sight and hearing are failing somewhat, he still wants to 'go courting' - especially in springtime. Buster remains unaware of what happened that day at the vet's, and no one will explain it to him, but they continue to allude to something. On a visit to Ireland a gentleman tapped his nose and said to The Man, 'You can't fool me. I've worked it out. You wrote the book.' Buster was so upset by this vile calumny that he wanted to give the gentleman a good nip. Then he remembered the words of someone called Robert Kennedy who The Man goes on about: 'Don't get angry. Get even.' And he has. And this time it's personal.As Buster says, 'No more Mr Nice Dog.'The Dragon with the Girl Tattoo
By Adam Roberts. 2010
Lizbreath Salamander is young and beautiful. Her scales have an iridescent sheen, her wings arch proudly, her breath has a…
tang of sulfur. And on her back a tattoo of a mythical creature: a girl.But when Lizbreath is drawn into a dark conspiracy she will have to rely on more than her beauty and her vicious claws the size of sabres ...A dragon has disappeared, one of a secretive clan. As Lizbreath delves deeper into their history she realises that these dragons will do anything to defend their secrets.Welcome to the world of The Dragon With The Girl Tattoo. A world of gloomy Nordic dragons leading lives uncannily like our own (despite their size, despite the need for extensive fireproofing of home furnishings), a world of money hoarded, a world of darkness and corruption. A world where people are the fantasy.Stored in Whitehall's archives are everything from blood-chilling warnings of imminent nuclear attack to comical details of daily life in…
the corridors of power. Concerned notes from ministers on the subject of the Heir to the Throne's potential brainwashing by Welsh terrorists are shelved alongside worries about housemaids 'on the wobble' at Chequers.Detailed and surprising plans for royal funerals sit beside reports on suspected spies in the showbiz world and bawdy poetry about the monkeys on the Rock of Gibraltar. And Mary Whitehouse's complaints about the sex education syllabus nestle next to thank-you notes from prisoner 13260/62, also known as Nelson Mandela.Adam Macqueen, author of the highly acclaimed bestseller Private Eye: The First 50 Years, has searched high and low to present us with some of the most unlikely revelations since the Official secrets act was inaugurated one hundred years ago. Not only about Mrs Thatcher's ironing board, but Ted Heath's car, Harold Macmillan's bedroom carpet, Imelda Marcos and her son Bong Bong's trip to Buckingham Palace and President Eisenhower's particular problem with Winston Churchill's trousers.Sod That!: 103 Things Not To Do Before You Die
By Sam Jordison. 2008
A hilarious slacker's guide as to why you should never do all those things that you're supposed to do before…
you die.Have you regretted running a marathon? Have you been persuaded to read a terrible book? Have you eaten something you shouldn't have on someone else's bad advice? Did you have an awful time at Glastonbury? Has your dream holiday turned into a nightmare? Can't be arsed to read Ulysses?For anyone who is fed up of being told what to do with their time, or made to feel inferior because they don't want to fly half way round the planet on the off chance that a dolphin might swim somewhere their vicinity, this is the perfect book. A slacker's bible, SOD THAT! is the ultimate anti-list book.This is a very hilarious rallying call for common sense and dignified indolence rather than wasteful over-activity. SOD THAT! comes up with the top 103 things not to do. You know it makes sense.Never In A Million Years: A History of Hopeless Predictions
By Jonny Zucker, Ivor Baddiel. 2012
The authors of the bestselling NOT THE HIGHWAY CODE shine a light on the extensive back catalogue of dodgy predictions…
through the ages.The first end of the world prediction was recorded one second after the Big Bang and since then it has become the daddy of all predictions with, to date, no one getting it right. And human beings have been around for about 200,000 years, with very little evolutionary difference, and yet we still haven't developed X-Ray eyes or the ability to fly.In this book, Baddiel and Zucker examine the predictions that have been made since the dawn of time on a variety of subjects, from the end of the world and the human body, to global warming, robots in the workplace, teleportation and space exploration. With a witty and fresh tone, they examine how these predictions came about and why, and rate them for retrospective accuracy.Angry White Pyjamas
By Robert Twigger. 1997
A brilliant and captivating insight into the bizarre nature of contemporary Japan.Adrift in Tokyo, teaching giggling Japanese highschool girls how…
to pronounce Tennyson correctly, Robert Twigger came to a revelation about himself: he'd never been fit. In a bid to escape the cockroach infestation and sweaty squalor of a cramped apartment in Fuji Heights, Twigger sets out to cleanse his body and his mind. Not knowing his fist from his elbow the author is sucked into the world of Japanese martial arts, and the brutally demanding course of budo training taken by the Tokyo Riot Police, where any ascetic motivation soon comes up against blood-stained dogis and fractured collarbones.In Angry White Pyjamas Robert Twigger skilfully blends the ancient with the modern - the ultra-traditionalism, ritual and violence of the dojo (training academy) with the shopping malls, nightclubs and scenes of everyday Tokyo life in the twenty-first century - to provide an entertaining and captivating glimpse of contemporary Japan.Triggs: The Autobiography of Roy Keane's Dog
By Triggs. 2012
The explosive, no-holds-barred autobiography of Triggs, Roy Keane's confidant, adviser...and dog!Ten major trophies. A missed Champions League final. Player of…
the Year awards. Alf-Inge Haaland. Drunken nights. Contract negotiations. Patrick Vieira. Prawn sandwiches. The explosive end to Roy's relationship with Ireland and Manchester United. Triggs - TV lover, hypochondriac, noted wit, football genius and best friend to the most talked-about footballer of his generation - was witness to it all. Funny, frank and never less than 110 per cent mean-spirited, Triggs tells the truth about what it was like to be a central player in the extraordinary drama of her master's life.Zimmer Men: The Trials and Tribulations of the Ageing Cricketer
By Marcus Berkmann. 2005
Ten years after his classic Rain Men - 'cricket's answer to Fever Pitch,' said the Daily Telegraph - Marcus Berkmann…
returns to the strange and wondrous world of village cricket, where players sledge their team-mates, umpires struggle to count up to six, the bails aren't on straight and the team that fields after a hefty tea invariably loses. This time he's on the trail of the Ageing Cricketer, having suddenly realised that he is one himself and playing in a team with ten others every weekend. In their minds they run around the field as fast as ever; it's only their legs that let them down. ZIMMER MEN asks all the important questions of middle-aged cricketers. Why is that boundary rope suddenly so far away? Are you doomed to getting worse as a cricketer, or could you get better? How many pairs of trousers will your girth destroy in one summer? Chronicling the 2004 season, with its many humiliating defeats and random injuries, this coruscatingly funny new book laughs in the face of middle age, and starts thinking seriously about buying a convertible.The Gentleman's Instant Genius Guide: Become An Expert In Everything
By Tom Cutler. 2011
Who has time nowadays to put in the graft to succeed? And why bother, when the truly important things in…
life only take a quarter of an hour to master?Here, Tom Cutler proves that following the path to becoming disgustingly rich, stylish, intelligent, thin, happy, classy, successful and a legend in the bedroom need take no longer than it does to cut your toenails, or listen to The Archers. Learn how to become as popular as your dog.Which sports car suits your personality?How to work out the date of your death.Are you a genius? With Tom Cutler's help you will soon find inner perfection and hugely impress your family, friends and work colleagues. From the author of the brilliant A Gentleman's Bedside Book, this is a hilariously funny but deeply practical guide to self-improvement.Superpiss used to be a brand of windscreen washer fluid in Finland but they've changed the name for some reason.…
Bra milk has gone the same way.Luckily, there is still an Italian detergent called BumBum, a Ghanaian pepper sauce called Shitto, Jamaicans can buy Mannish Water Ram Goat Soup, those horrible Danish salt-liquorice pastilles are Spunk brand, the Swedes eat marshmallows called Skum, you can keep your feet dry in China with a Sex Shoes Set and refresh after a jog in Japan with a glass of Sweat.This hilarious book contains hundreds of examples from foreign parts of product names, signs and advertising puffery that make English speakers laugh immoderately, plus a few mistakes that slipped through at home.It's all real. None of it has been invented. In Egypt, you really can buy German Winter Hats for Diabetics.Hello: The Autobiography
By Leslie Phillips. 2006
The autobiography of a true national treasure, an actor who has featured in more British Number One box office smashes…
than anyone else.Leslie Phillips's story begins with a poverty-stricken childhood in north London, made all the worse when his father died when Leslie was just ten years old. Soon after, he began his acting career, and since then he has worked with all the greats, from Laurence Olivier to Steven Spielberg.Best known for his comic roles in the Carry On and Doctor series, he took the decision in later life to take on more serious roles in films such as Empire of the Sun, Out of Africa and Scandal, as well as performing in plays such as The Cherry Orchard.Packed with hilarious anecdotes, in this long-awaited autobiography he recalls some of the great characters he has worked with, and also highlights how different he is in real life from his onscreen persona as a bounder. It is a fascinating story, brilliantly told.Blighty: The Quest for Britishness, Britain, Britons, Britishness and the British
By Steve Lowe, Alan McArthur. 2009
Britishness: what does it really mean? Is it all a big con? Having skewered modern British life in the bestselling…
Is It Just Me or is Everything Shit?, Steve Lowe and Alan MacArthur set out to uncover the deep dark truth about Britain - its history, its myths and its people.Over the course of a year they watch Dorset Morris men dancing on a chalk-giant's thirty-foot-long erection, endure the Last Night of the Proms and search for a couple of pissed dragons under a hill in Wales. They ask Prince William what it means to be British, witness Scotland rising again (a bit), encounter terrifying Europhobe ladies in Surrey, and lose the will to live in Gibraltar. They also meet a lot of druids.Hilarious, timely and provocative, Blighty offers a brilliant, alternative vision of the island in the Atlantic that some people call Britain.50 People Who Fouled Up Football
By Michael Henderson. 2010
Despite its immense wealth, and the high public profile it enjoys, English football is not a land of milk and…
honey. The national side has won the World Cup only once when England staged the tournament in 1966 and the woeful performances in recent years would suggest that Sir Alf Ramsey's success will retain its unique status.50 People Who Fouled Up Football casts a sceptical eye on the game in this country. It looks at the game as it really is, through the gaze of an outsider, who grew up loving the game but who has been turned off by the excesses of players, managers, broadcasters and fans, and increasingly by the rich men who own and run the clubs.The big bang came in 1992, when the Premier League went its own merry way, aided by the millions that Sky television found to ease the passage. Now the game is richer, and can attract the world's leading stars, but it is poorer in spirit. The old football community means little to these Masters of the Universe. The old links between club and community have been ruined, and many players live in a different world, where they feel free to behave as they like.The book names the guilty, who include those on the fringes of the game as well as the ones at the heart of it. Indignant in the right sense, it is a lament for a spoilt game, and a world that has vanished.The 50 People are, in alphabetical order:Roman Abramovich, Sam Allardyce, Mike Ashley, David Baddiel, Tony Banks, Joey Barton, Ken Bates, Victoria Beckham, George Best, Sid and Doris Bonkers, Billy Bragg, Ashley Cole, Garry Cook, Hunter Davies, Didier Drogba, Martin Edwards, Sven-Goran Eriksson, 'The Fans', Paul Gascoigne, 'Geordie Blubber', 'The Golden Generation', Alan Green, Alan Hansen, Derek Hatton, Nigel Kennedy, Richard Keys, Lord Kinnaird, Nick Love, Steve McClaren, Freddie Mercury, Piers Morgan, Jose Mourinho, Graham Poll, Sir Alf Ramsey, Antonio Rattin, Charles Reep, Don Revie, Peter Ridsdale, Robinho, Cristiano Ronaldo, Wayne Rooney, Richard Scudamore, Bill Shankly, Bob Shennan, Peter Swales, Gordon Taylor, Sir Harold Thompson, Terry Venables, Ian Wright, Pini Zahavi.The Best of Matt 2011
By Matt Pritchett. 2011
Nobody does it better...Multi-award-winning, bestselling cartoonist Matt's hilarious review of the last twelve months.'That rare thing: a daily cartoonist who…
never fails' The TimesFrom the Royal Wedding to weather woes, not to mention the coalition government, here is multi-award-winning, bestselling cartoonist Matt's hilarious review of the last twelve months. Matt has a unique and wonderfully entertaining view of life, giving it a brighter, funnier twist.'Every day a witty, sharp gem of social comment...his brilliant work is the yardstick by which the rest are judged' Terry Wogan'I stand in silent wonder every morning at the genius of Matt' Jeremy Clarkson, Sunday TimesCopper: A Dog's Life
By Annabel Goldsmith. 2006
A loveable local legend and true character to all who knew him, Copper was no ordinary dog. With more stories…
to tell than you could count on the pads of one paw, this curly-tailed, shaggy-bearded mongrel (but don't let him hear you call him that) led a truly astonishing life. Famed for his remarkable wanderlust, canine curiosity took him all over the place, from Richmond and Kingston to Brighton, sometimes travelling on buses with his friend Jessie the cat, often stopping off at his favourite pubs, or chasing unsuspecting joggers in the park - a hobby which nearly ended his life. In this delightful book, Copper tells us of his astounding adventures with the finest of tail-wagging wisdom. He sniffs out all the important things in life: the comings and goings, the loves and losses - and, of course, what it's like to live in high society. Sometimes cheeky, most of the time charming, but always cherished, Copper's story is by turns funny and moving, the tale of a real canine hero.Rules: Things are Changing at the Little School by the Sea
By Jenny Colgan, Jane Beaton. 2009
"Funny, page-turning and addictive... just like Malory Towers for grown-ups" - Sophie Kinsella ____________Maggie loves teaching English at beautiful Downey…
House but she is less keen on planning her wedding to dependable Stan. Instead, she's working on ignoring her crush on David McDonald, who teaches English at the local boys' school. Just as Simone and Fliss have become friends, Zelda arrives to upset everything. Zelda is loudly, glamorously American, and she's full of ways to improve life at boring school. Soon, quiet, mousy Simone is undergoing a makeover. And Fliss is about to jeopardise everything to impress a boy. In a new year at school, the girls of Downey House will be breaking all the rules - and not all of them will escape unscathed. ___________"A brilliant boarding school book, stuffed full of unforgettable characters, thrilling adventures and angst..." - Lisa JewellGrumpy Old Couples: Men are from Mars. Women have just got back from Tesco¿s
By Jenny Eclair, Judith Holder. 2008
From that first date - and how it's all downhill from thereWe all know about the jungle of 'dating'. But…
once you've found your 'special' friend you'll have to pretend you like their taste in music, be nice to their mother and pick up their socks, and that's only year one.By the time you get into grumpy old middle-aged land, you're firmly on farting terms and over-familiarity has bedded in. The only thing to do with the whole business is to laugh over it, which is the idea of this book.The Secret Diary of Mario Balotelli
By Bruno Vincent. 2012
'He's a total rock 'n' roller. There's a bit of Mario in all of us - well, maybe not Gary…
Neville - but the rest of us most definitely.' Noel Gallagher He may be football's latest superstar, but Mario Balotelli is just as famous off the pitch for his eccentricity and extraordinary antics. From the time he let off fireworks in his bathroom to the notorious bib incident, he's rarely out of the news. But in his secret diary* (not his actual secret diary), as we follow Mario through one turbulent football season and the trail of mayhem he leaves in his wake, we discover that the headlines only tell half the story. Whether he's hiding Silvio Berlusconi in his basement, patrolling the streets of Manchester as a caped crusader or trying to be the first Premiership footballer to go to the moon, the truth is stranger, and much funnier, than we could have expected.Something for the Weekend: The Collected Columns of Sir Terry Wogan
By Terry Wogan. 2013
A collection of Terry Wogan's best TELEGRAPH columns, with his trademark wry take on life.'It's my feeling that whatever's bothering…
you, you ought to be able to say it in less than 500 words. The rest is window-dressing ... Probably explains why I didn't write WAR AND PEACE...'Sir Terry Wogan has been busy over the past 10 years writing his ever-popular SUNDAY TELEGRAPH column.In this first collection of the very best of his weekly musings, Terry delivers his distinctively dry and amusing views on life. From the disappointment of the declining years, the ubiquity of TV cooks ('Nowadays, you can't throw a stone in a country road without hitting a television chef, in full colour'), to vanity and those little daily annoyances that drive you to drink, he never fails to entertain. Terry's modern grumbles, gentle social commentary and witty observations make for a delightful assortment of reading.Charming and wry, with not a hint of lickspittle, this is WOGAN'S WORLD at its most entertaining.Grumpy Old Christmas: The Official Handbook
By Stuart Prebble. 2006
The highly successful 'Grumpies' return full of the Christmas spirit.So - 'tis the season to be jolly is it? Well,…
not in the household of the Grumpy Old Man it isn't. In the case of the GOM, 'tis the season to have to put up with even deeper layers of vexation than usual, and the only thing worth celebrating is that it looks as though you might after all be surviving to the end of what has been another crap year.Everything about Christmas gets up our snitches. Everything. From the breakfast telly presenters who tell us it's now just 120 shopping days to go, to the annual festive strike by airport baggage handlers. From office parties where drunken juniors have waited the whole year to tell you what 'the trouble with you is...', to parents videoing their precocious brats at the atrocious school nativity play where your kid is playing the part of the donkey's rear end. From the woman next door who drops in to show your wife the diamond ring her prat of a husband has bought her, to the 150th opportunity to see 'Whistle Down the Wind' on the telly.And speaking of wind, there's the festive Xmas turkey that tastes like blotting paper soaked in a puddle and sends your digestive system to hell. And how on earth are we really supposed to look happy when someone buys us a tie with a picture of xxxxing Santa on it? Eh?