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By Betty Bowers. 2002
Betty Bowers is a better Christian than you!In a world of reflected glory and shameless name-dropping, no one can touch…
America's most puritanical pundit, Betty Bowers. Betty is so close to Jesus, He's given her His loaves and fish recipe. And only Betty knows how many shopping days there are until the Apocalypse. As she is fond of saying: "If God created me in His image, I have more than returned the compliment!" In Prada and in prayer, Betty has devoted her life to bringing people the Good News: They are going straight to Hell. Thousands have aspired to emulate her joie d'apres vivre by logging on to her popular website, bettybowers.com. But only now, with What Would Betty Do? does she finally reveal her spiritual survival secrets. You'll discover how, come Judgment Day, to be whisked through the 10 Sins or Less express line. But first, you will have to learn how to vote (for God's Own Party, the Republicans), whom to hate (Lie-berals and other non-Baptists), and what to throw (a soirée -- and then a few stones!). "After all," warns Betty, "if Heaven is just going to involve running into all the people you avoided on Earth, what would be the point?"Unchic? Unsaved? Wavering faith? Wandering hands? A pair of $650 Manolo Blahnik pumps that won't go with anything? No problem! Just ask yourself -- What would Betty do?By Heather McDonald. 2013
In this hilarious account of her venture into motherhood, New York Times bestselling author and Chelsea Lately writer and star…
Heather McDonald explains her outrageous attempts to have it all—her way.Following her laugh-out-loud New York Times bestseller You’ll Never Blue Ball in This Town Again, Chelsea Lately writer and star Heather McDonald moves on from dating to motherhood with this new collection of outrageous essays chronicling her attempt to have it all—her way.This self-proclaimed “Real Housewife of Woodland Hills” is determined to achieve A-list status (thus expanding her entourage beyond her three school-age children and a househusband who is infuriatingly bad at collecting neighborhood gossip) and to defeat (or at least be accepted by) the mean neighborhood moms who judge her for taking her kids to a stripper pool party in Vegas. It’s a lot to juggle when she’s also battling Chelsea Handler and coworkers for the crudest practical jokes (just ask her about that “free” Vera Wang dress). . . .By Guy Branum. 2018
&“Smart, fast, clever, and funny (As f*ck!)&” (Tiffany Haddish), this collection of side-splitting and illuminating essays by the popular stand-up…
comedian, alum of Chelsea Lately and The Mindy Project, and host of truTV&’s Talk Show the Game Show is perfect for fans of the New York Times bestsellers Why Not Me? by Mindy Kaling and We Are Never Meeting in Real Life by Samantha Irby.From a young age, Guy Branum always felt as if he were on the outside looking in.From a stiflingly boring farm town, he couldn&’t relate to his neighbors. While other boys played outside, he stayed indoors reading Greek mythology. And being gay and overweight, he got used to diminishing himself. But little by little, he started learning from all the sad, strange, lonely outcasts in history who had come before him, and he started to feel hope.In this &“singular, genuinely ballsy, and essential&” (Billy Eichner) collection of personal essays, Guy talks about finding a sense of belonging at Berkeley—and stirring up controversy in a newspaper column that led to a run‑in with the Secret Service. He recounts the pitfalls of being typecast as the &“Sassy Gay Friend,&” and how, after taking a wrong turn in life (i.e. law school), he found stand‑up comedy and artistic freedom. He analyzes society&’s calculated deprivation of personhood from fat people, and how, though it&’s taken him a while to accept who he is, he has learned that with a little patience and a lot of humor, self-acceptance is possible.&“Keenly observant and intelligent, Branum&’s book not only offers uproarious insights into walking paths less traveled, but also into what self-acceptance means in a world still woefully intolerant of difference&” (Kirkus Reviews, starred review). My Life as a Goddess is an unforgettable and deeply moving book by one of today&’s most endearing and galvanizing voices in comedy.By Darrell Waltrip, Nate Larkin. 2012
From the former NASCAR champion and current Fox Sports announcer, an intimate account of one of the most dramatic and…
tragic days in the history of NASCAR: the 2001 Daytona 500—the day that racing legend Dale Earnhardt, Sr. died.In Sundays Will Never Be the Same, former NASCAR champion and current FOX Sports racing analyst Darrell Waltrip provides an intimate account of one of the most dramatic and tragic days in the history of NASCAR: the 2001 Daytona 500—the day that racing legend Dale Earnhardt Sr. died.The sudden death of Earnhardt on the final lap of the 2001 Daytona 500 was a traumatic loss for the entire NASCAR family, and few were affected more deeply than Darrell Waltrip. During the course of their tumultuous thirty-year association, Dale and Darrell had been friends, then “frenemies,” and finally friends again. Darrell takes us through the fascinating history of racing in Daytona, offering glimpses of some of the sport’s most colorful characters. He recounts the highs and lows of his relationship with Earnhardt through the twin arcs of their overlapping careers, and concludes with a heart-wrenching insider account of that pivotal weekend in Daytona.From the disability rights advocate and creator of the #DisabledAndCute viral campaign, a thoughtful, inspiring, and charming collection of essays…
exploring what it means to be black and disabled in a mostly able-bodied white America. Keah Brown loves herself, but that hadn&’t always been the case. Born with cerebral palsy, her greatest desire used to be normalcy and refuge from the steady stream of self-hate society strengthened inside her. But after years of introspection and reaching out to others in her community, she has reclaimed herself and changed her perspective.In The Pretty One, Brown gives a contemporary and relatable voice to the disabled—so often portrayed as mute, weak, or isolated. With clear, fresh, and light-hearted prose, these essays explore everything from her relationship with her able-bodied identical twin (called &“the pretty one&” by friends) to navigating romance; her deep affinity for all things pop culture—and her disappointment with the media&’s distorted view of disability; and her declaration of self-love with the viral hashtag #DisabledAndCute.By &“smashing stigmas, empowering her community, and celebrating herself&” (Teen Vogue), Brown and The Pretty One aims to expand the conversation about disability and inspire self-love for people of all backgrounds.A Capacious and Quintessential GuideMaxims: #1: Carry a Scholarly Book (at All Times) #12: Know Your Manet from Your Monet…
#14: Be Proficient in at Least One Classical Instrument #64: Learn to Recite Romantic-Era Poetry on CueIf you think you need a PhD in Greek and Roman philosophy from an Ivy League school to call yourself an intellectual, reconsider your supposition. While you may envy the initials that follow distinguished names of professors and the intellectual elite, it's not the mortar board and scholarly robes you needit's the obscure esoterica. In this primer, you'll learn to walk the talk of the intelligentsia, leaving simpletons and pseudo-intellectuals in your dust.Inside How to Become an Intellectual, you will find the prodigious truths every self-respecting learned person lives by. This code of scholarly behavior allows aspiring high-brows like yourself to educate their unfortunate lessers, amaze their Mensa friends, and impress their fellow wise peopleone distinguished bon mot at a time!By Doug Hanks. 2008
If you could marry into any family, which would you choose? Who talks about sex more: men or women? Is…
it harder to be a pitcher or a running back? Name the best television theme song of all time. Who would win in a war: Texas or California? These are just a few of the entertaining, provocative, endlessly debate-worthy questions in Barguments. Spanning the full spectrum of life's crucial topics -- sports, television, food, music, sex, and, of course, drink -- Barguments is the perfect addition to anywhere friends, colleagues, or strangers gather with a little time and plenty of opinions to share.Stefanie Wilder-Taylor has never been one to take the easy, conventional route. In her latest work It’s Not Me, It’s…
You, she unabashedly showcases a life well lived, ignoring all wisdom, but yet somehow, coming out on top. Combining her trademark biting wit and straightforward common sense, the anticipated comedic memoir delivers outrageous tales from all periods of her life and family history. From Taylor’s outlook on working hard (audition for a game show instead) to getting her husband to propose (forget The Rules: try nagging and physical violence) these stories venture beyond daycare, sure to entertain both parents and non-parents alike. Covering a wide range of topics that explore the anxiety, frustration, and exhaustion that accompany the rewarding, comical, awe-inspiring, and life-altering roles of parent, teenager, wife, and daughter, It’s Not Me, It’s You offers readers an escape, empathy, and plenty of laughs.By Paul Jury. 2011
Rather than deal with the problems he was facing as a recent college grad, Paul Jury decided to leave them…
in his rearview mirror. He might not have known the direction his life was headed, but he knew the route he was taking to hit all forty-eight contiguous states on one epic road trip.Filled with plenty of adventure and the unforeseen obstacle (or twelve), States of Confusion puts you in shotgun to see where the road takes Paul. All he knows--after crashing on the beer-soaked couch of his younger brother's frat--is that there's no going back.By Marsha Normandy, Joseph St. James. 2008
With a little practice and a lot of passion, sexual power is easily within your grasp In the sport of…
love, there are times when only an hj will do. It's fun. It's practical. It's quick. But let's face it: the handjob is the lowly stepsister to the far more glamorous blowjob. The authors of The Handjob Handbook think that's unfair. If a handjob's worth doing, it's worth doing well, and this helpful, humorous guide, complete with twenty-five sure-to-please techniques, will show you how... The Basic - The Flatterer - The Jiffy Pop - Ants Climbing Up a Hill - Headless Horseman - The James Bond - Squeeze Play - E-Z- Pass - The OK Handjob - The Girl Scout - The PlayStation - The Twist Off - Climbing the Rope - The Upstroke - Tainted Love - Taint Misbehavin' - The TKO - The Frozen Rope - The Handoff - Kneading Dough - Candy Cane - Merry Christmas - The Metronome - Taffy Pull - The Italian Job Witty, empowering, and playfully erotic, it delivers useful advice in a fun and creative format. The eyes may be the window to the soul, but the hands are the key to a gift that keeps on giving.Collected folktales, lullabies, poems, sayings, and dichos from well-known and beloved Latin figures, both past and present—from actor Edward James…
Olmos and author Isabel Allende to Nobel laureate Octavio Paz and Saint Teresa de Avila.Do you wish you could remember all the words to the childhood songs your grandmother taught you, so you could sing them to your children? Have you ever found yourself repeating the dichos, or proverbs, your parents used to lecture you with? If you are looking for a way to get back in touch with your culture, It's All in the Frijoles is the perfect start. A treasure trove of cherished folktales, lullabies, poems, and dichos, this rich collection of Latino wisdom includes inspiring recollections and anecdotes by well-known and beloved figures, both past and present -- from actor Edward James Olmos and author Isabel Allende to Nobel laureate Octavio Paz and Saint Teresa de Avila. It's All in the Frijoles is certain to evoke with fondness many a childhood memory of essential teachings learned from parents and grandparents, including: El hombre debe ser feo, fuerte, y formal. A man should be homely, hardy, and honorable. El consejo de la mujer es poco y él que no lo agarra es loco. The advice of a woman is very scarce and the person who does not heed it is crazy. Pueblo dividido, pueblo vencido. A people divided, a people conquered.It's All in the Frijoles captures and perpetuates the essence of Latino tradition and is destined to become a family treasure that is passed down from generation to generation. This legacy of wisdom provides food for thought not only for Latinos but also for people of all other ethnic backgrounds.By Don Novello. 2003
The passionate correspondence of a proud (if concerned) American!From the reign of Bush the First through the hilarious Clinton Years…
and to the restoration of the Bush Dynasty with Dubya, one lone crusader, Lazlo Toth, has been at work dispensing advice, offering ideas, and launching investigations on your behalf. Now this important effort has been collected and presented for instruction to the ages.By John Pfeiffer. 2013
Everything you need to know before your her big day!From one dude to another, the advice in Dude, You're Getting…
Married! will get you laughing and help you get your s**t together before the big day. From feigning interest in table linens to trimming down the guest list (without uninviting everyone on your side) to organizing a wild, yet fiancee-approved, bachelor party, Pfeiffer makes sure you won't get scarred in the minefield of wedding planning. While the months leading up to the big day can be filled with meltdowns and screaming matches, Dude, You're Getting Married! will be there to ensure that you make it to the altar in one piece.By DrDisrespect. 2021
Too much power. Wow. Too much energy. Wow. Too much anticipation. WOW. It&’s the nationally bestselling memoir from the biggest…
star in gaming: Dr Disrespect.Dr Disrespect is a 6-foot-8 freak of nature with a 37-inch vertical, the two-time, back-to-back 1993–94 Blockbuster Video Game Champion, and in his factual opinion, the most dominant international gaming superstar in the history of the world.It was just a matter of time before Western civilization came begging Doc to save literature by writing a memoir that reads like a vicious, muscular lion clawing his way through the rocks, roaring in anger and dominance. Here you will find his deepest, most intimate secrets. The untold history of his mysterious, legendary origins and his rise to unparalleled dominance. And most of all, you will find out what, exactly, Doc&’s a doctor of. Are you ready for a book with the rhythm of a sleazy &’70s muscleman and the ruthlessness of a &’90s serial killer? A journey that stares down the long, dark alley of your fears and never looks back? Does your warrior&’s heart yearn to reach the tippity top of the mountain just to realize you&’re still only halfway up? If so, firm handshakes, Champion: Welcome to the salvation of literature.By Jay Mohr. 2010
YOU’LL NEVER SLEEP IN THIS TOWN AGAINFrom Saturday Night Live to stand-up, from a blockbuster film career to the star…
of CBS’s hit television show Gary Unmarried, Jay Mohr is one of the funniest people in comedy today. Now, in this down and dirty tale of modern fatherhood, Mohr shares his stories as a first-time parent. No Wonder My Parents Drank reveals the details behind Mohr’s humiliating test-tube conception attempts and then recounts the trauma of not only having to keep this child alive, but having to spend time alone with him! He waxes poetic about dirty diapers; spins theories on spanking; and mulls over the more hidden advantages of parenthood, like carpool lane access, carte blanche to use the ladies restroom, and an alibi for missing family dinners. Mohr describes, in painfully funny detail, the bizarre situations that all parents inevitably face but can never prepare for (such as when his kid discovered his dog’s rear end) as well as moments of pure joy like taking his son to his first baseball game. Mohr reports on the hilarious wisdom that his son, Jackson, has taught him—like why it’s fun to play "Kissy Boy" with the other boys at recess, how important sunscreen is for avoiding a "sunborn," and how awesome it is to get a "rainbow belt" in karate.Riotously acerbic and refreshingly honest, No Wonder My Parents Drank casts the very funny Jay Mohr with an even funnier mini-me sidekick as a supporting character in a little comedic love story that every person who either is a parent or has a parent will find delightful.By Jose Canseco. 2008
In 2005, Jose Canseco blew the lid off Major League Baseball's steroid scandal -- and no one believed him. His…
New York Times bestselling memoir Juiced met a firestorm of criticism and outrage from the media, coaches, clubs, and players, many of whom Canseco had personally introduced to steroids -- with a needle in the ass. Baseball's former golden boy, Rookie of the Year, onetime Most Valuable Player, and owner of two World Series rings was called a liar. Now, steroids are back in the headlines. Record-breaking athletes are falling from grace, and the infamous Mitchell Report confirmed the names of major leaguers who have indeed used steroids while others remain under investigation. The answer is clear: Jose Canseco told the truth. And why wouldn't he? He started it all. Finally, in Vindicated, Canseco picks up where Juiced left off, revealing details even more shocking than in his controversial first book. He spills never-before-implicated names -- arguably the biggest in the game of baseball -- and explores the mystery of one celebrated player about whom key information was suddenly excised from Juiced at the last minute. He talks candidly about what the Mitchell Report did -- and didn't -- get right, why steroid use became so rampant, and how his life has changed since he tore the lid off Pandora's box. Lest there be any doubt about theveracity of his claims, Canseco subjected himself to three lie detector tests, one of which was conducted by a former FBI special agent and top polygraph examiner who investigated the Unabomber, Whitewater, the Oklahoma City bombing, and the 1993 bombing of the World Trade Center. Transcripts of those taped interviews are also included in this straight-talking examination of the current state of baseball. This time, he's not just out to clear his name. He's out to clean up the game.By Kim Korson. 2015
When a trip to the therapist ends with the question “Can’t Kim be happy?” Kim Korson responds the way any…
normal person would—she makes fun of it. Because really, does everyone have to be happy?Aside from her father wearing makeup and her mother not feeling well (a lot), Kim Korson’s 1970s suburban upbringing was typical. Sometimes she wished her brother were an arsonist just so she’d have a valid excuse to be unhappy. And when life moves along pretty decently--she breaks into show business, gets engaged in the secluded jungles of Mexico, and moves her family from Brooklyn to dreamy rural Vermont—the real despondency sets in. It’s a skill to find something wrong in just about every situation, but Kim has an exquisite talent for negativity. It is only after half a lifetime of finding kernels of unhappiness where others find joy that she begins to wonder if she is even capable of experiencing happiness.In I Don’t Have a Happy Place, Kim Korson untangles what it means to be a true malcontent. Rife with evocative and nostalgic observations, unapologetic realism, and razor-sharp wit, I Don’t Have a Happy Place is told in humorous, autobiographical stories. This fresh-yet-dark voice is sure to make you laugh, nod your head in recognition, and ultimately understand what it truly means to be unhappy. Always.By Charlie Murphy, Chris Millis. 2009
As one of the most popular performers on Comedy Central’s mega-hit The Chappelle Show, Charlie Murphy—older brother of comedy legend…
Eddie Murphy—shares his passion for comedy and tells his true Hollywood stories in this juicy and highly entertaining memoir.Once described by Chris Rock as “Eddie Murphy on acid,” Charlie Murphy has achieved fame as a recurring performer on the critically acclaimed, three-time Emmy-nominated cult sensation Chappelle’s Show on Comedy Central. Celebrated in particular for his “Charlie Murphy’s True Hollywood Stories” skits, featuring hilarious renditions of Rick James and Prince, Murphy now recounts many of the actual stories that inspired these popular sketches in vivid and comical detail in Doing Time: The Making of a Stand-Up Guy. With his flare for storytelling and his distinctive and fearless voice, it’s no wonder that Charlie Murphy has been the subject of many featured stories in numerous magazines, including GQ, Essence, Rolling Stone, and he was recently listed as one of the Hottest People to Watch in Entertainment Weekly’s “Must List.” Featuring outrageous misadventures as part of his younger brother Eddie’s entourage, and hysterical encounters with numerous celebrities, Doing Time: The Making of a Stand-Up Guy is a fascinating and wildly funny chronicle from one of the most talented comedians today.Have you heard the one about...You'll laugh yourself silly with The Everything Big Book of Jokes! Inside this sidesplitting collection,…
you'll find only the most popular kinds of jokes, riddles, and funnies from a dynamic professional comedian, including:Short jokes, one-liners, and punsJokes about spouses, in-laws, kids, and grandparentsOffice and sports jokesAnimal humorClassics, including "Guy walks into a bar..." blonde jokes, priest and rabbi jokes, even knock-knock jokes Filled with countless gags, giggles, and guffaws, this book is sure to tickle your funny bone--and make you the life of the party!By Robert Byrne. 1982
Drawing from diverse personages from Goethe to Churchill to Woody Allen, The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said is a…
witty wise quotation collection that deserves a special place on every humor lover's bookshelf. These unique, funny, and outrageous quotations, previously published in four separate volumes, are now gathered together in a seemingly limitless trove of pithy and often irreverent one-liners, retorts, put-downs, jokes, and last words that cover every conceivable subject and will appeal to every taste. Highlights include:—W. C. Fields: "Start every day with a smile and get it over with." —George Burns:&” "Happiness is having a large loving family in another city."And many more.